To Let It Out

Mostly just posting because I think this is the only thing no one else reads anymore, and if you are reading this...I'm sorry. It's been 5 months. 5. During that time I thought things were getting better, that I was getting better. But I think it is now clear that I was very very wrong. I think I wanted to believe that I was, but never really...got there. It's like everything has just been masked over, covered up hoping that it would all just go away, but of course it didn't. But I think that I'm beginning to learn something from all of this. That I don't trust people, I don't WANT to trust people. Trusting means that you give up any protection you have and leave yourself open to get hurt. Which I refuse to do anymore. People keep telling me that I need a guy in my life that can make me smile. I say, why? I don't want to get close enough to someone that they become everything to me because people always leave and simple math shows: me - everything = nothing. Who would ever want to do that to themselves? It's like setting yourself up for failure, for hurt. What's the point? I just want to sleep, that's it. I hate every morning when I wake up, absolutely hate it. Mainly because when I wake up, I remember my dreams and how reality fails in comparison. Every night I go to bed hoping that I'll just sleep through tomorrow...5, 6, 7 tomorrows. That's all I want right now.