Thursday, December 29, 2011

To Want to Move On

I needed to know that I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was nothing, absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. and then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it’s his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy who didn’t ever care. You live and you learn, that’s how it is.

Monday, December 26, 2011

To Madness

Disclaimer: Normally I don’t do posts like this, but just a fair warning, I am about to rant my ass off. Now that that’s clear…

I do NOT understand. AT ALL. It has been one month, 30 days that has completely changed my life forever. I just can’t wrap my head around why I had to lose all that I did all at one time. It’s not right that I was put in the situation in which I was left. Or that a complete stranger took away any innocence I had left along with little good that I used to see in this world. And because of that decision, my whole world has literally been turned upside down. It’s not fair that I lost someone that I was truly starting to fall for, with no explanation at all on his part. The one person that could have changed how that night went broke my heart the very next day. I’ve grown so bitter towards not only him, but also all of the memories of him, of us. And, most of all, it’s not fair that after all of this I realized that he never really cared and somehow I can still miss him. Not necessarily miss being with him but the fact that a month ago we were so happy…and now we’re complete strangers.
I don’t understand how after a month’s time I am still reeling with all of this pain. I don’t really know how to deal with all of it. I get up, go to work, come home, and try my hardest every night to get some sleep…every damn day. And every single one of those days I am unhappy. Sure, I smile and put on a face for the people around me so that they won’t feel bad for me anymore but none of it is real. I’ve just gotten so tired of people looking at me the way they do, like I’m not the same person anymore. Well SURPRISE….I am not the same happy, positive girl anymore. I had a lot of shit happen to me and it changed me.
Every day, this “sadness” takes over another part of me and I feel like there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I can’t trust people anymore and that tears me apart. I’ve had these reoccurring thoughts that I’m not proud of, but they would take all of this pain, all of this worry away, for good.
I want to be able to let people in, but every time I get hurt in some way. Even a stranger, someone that’s obviously not close to me, hurt me in a way I never thought possible. So, why even bother letting people get close to you if you’re just going to get hurt in the end? What’s the point? The question I have been asking myself every day for the past month...what’s the point anymore?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

To Fear

Don't get me wrong, I want so badly to be able to believe that the world is a good place and that everyone ends up happy in the end. But I'm just not sure anymore. It's been 25 days and every single one of those I've felt out of place, like I don't belong to myself anymore. Like my role in my own life has changed. To what? I don't know, I wish I did. I just want to feel like I belong in my own body again. I want to feel like I am the one that is in control of my life in this world, not the other way around. More than anything do I want to feel like myself again.

25 days: I'm still as scared as I was 25 seconds after it happened. And that is NOT who I am, I have never been scared of anything before, ever. But now, I'm terrified nearly all of the time. All the damn time.

Afraid of getting my hopes up. Afraid of trusting people again. I'm scared of getting hurt, of being lied to, and most of all ending up alone. But, unfortunately, that's only part of it. I am deathly afraid of my favorite place in the world, where I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life. I feel like a prisoner in the only place that brought me peace. School is scarred. My workplace, scarred. My secluded hideaway, scarred. All because I can't take two steps without feeling like I'm being followed. All because I see that face in my peripherals constantly.

He's still out there, that's probably the hands down scariest part of all this.

To Be Trapped Here

There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don’t feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to connect to anyone or anything.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

To See Clearly

My whole life, no matter what, I've tried to always see the good in people. The good in this world. But this world, the one that we live in, is an evil and unforgiving place. I'm tired of making excuses as for why things go wrong and somehow putting a positive spin on every bad thing that happens to good people. At least I can see everything, and everyone, for what and who they are now. No more bullshit, I refuse to lie to myself any longer.

Friday, December 16, 2011

To Hurt

It's just, I am so sad all the time. I can't even enjoy a night with my friends. It's like I just can't shake this, this overwhelming hurt.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

To Want Numbness

After everything that's happened and all of the emotions that have been hitting me like waves, I think the break up is finally starting to really sink in. I know I shouldn't, and I know that all of this showed that he really didn't care about me, but that doesn't change how happy I was. The happiest I've ever been. And now it's all been taken away from me.
I'm sad. More than sad. I don't really know how to explain what I'm going through, but it's awful. I just want it to stop, I want it all to stop. The memories, the flashbacks, the it so much to just ask for them all to stop?
I'm tired of one little thing coming up that reminds me of him, of us, and me completely falling apart. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't like that I have to avoid certain things in my life so that it doesn't hurt as much. But that doesn't really ever work either because I realize that I am avoiding them then I remember the reason why I am avoiding them and I come full circle. I hate who I've become.
I wish I could just forget all of this. I'd give anything to take back ever going to see him at the hospital last night and save myself from this pain.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

To That Point In Time

I just keep telling myself that there will be a significant moment when I finally know what to do.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Too Close To The Edge

It scares me how often I imagine things that I never thought I was capable of doing. I hate being this person.

To Exhaustion That Sleep Can't Fix

At the end of each and every day, I'm so tired. Not tired from work or school or lack of sleep, but rather tired from trying to hold myself together every single second of the day. It takes every ounce of energy I have to keep myself from falling apart at any minute, it just gets to be too much.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

To Admit

Tonight I realized I had a problem. I finally said out loud what's constantly been on my mind lately. And when I heard the pain in my sister's voice as she begged me not to leave her here alone, that's when it hit me. I truly can't feel anything, at all, nothing. I need help because I can't be this unstable person, or sister, any longer

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

To Move

Some of these songs are only things getting me from day to day.

To Supplement

Tonight I stood in the pouring rain, just stood there. I don't know for how long and I don't know why, but it was the first time I've felt something real in weeks. It was like the universe projecting everything I've been feeling: sadness, bitterness, anger, defeat, fear...all of it soaking every inch of me. Everything has changed now, even falling water from the sky somehow feels different, makes me feel different. Nothing's the same, never will be.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

To Feel Numb

For the rest of my life, I will always wonder why things are so unfair. 
I will always want to know what I did to deserve what happened to me. I will 
always wake up thinking everything is okay, later on realizing that it isn't, and that 
it most likely never will be. I will cry about it, I will be bitter, and I will be angry. I will always
 have problems trusting people. I'll never think that anything will last. Happiness, joy, friendships, and relationships...all of them just seem doomed. But I still try to try. For the rest 
of my life, I will try.

Monday, December 5, 2011

To Slowly Slip

Tears just continue to fall. With no sign of stopping. I feel like I'm losing the little fire I have left.

To Call It Quits


Sunday, December 4, 2011

To One Week

One week, two days, one hour, and ten minutes. I feel like nothing has changed, nothing at all. I'm just exhausted from little to no sleep, scared out of my mind to be in the city I love, and I can't bring myself to trust anyone anymore. I don't feel like the same person anymore and it tears me apart when friends and family tell me they miss the cheerful Heather I used to be. I feel so broken, all the damn time.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Thursday, December 1, 2011

To Wake Up Sobbing

I thought sleep would be an escape from this horrible place in which I've found myself. But for the past week, every time I close my eyes I dream that we work everything out and things magically fall back into place. They say you can't feel when you're in a dream...I say, false. Because every time I do, my heart races and I swear I start smiling in my sleep. Everything is so wonderful and I feel like things are beginning to look up for me...then I wake up. I wake up screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out. It's like feeling that initial loss over and over and over again. Sleep used to always be my escape from reality, but now I find myself avoiding it. I feel as if I just can't win. I'm either awake, angry and bitter with my life, or waking up from temporary happiness, sad and heartbroken once again.

To Lose Grip

I feel like I'm slowing losing my mind, and myself.