Thursday, December 29, 2011

To Want to Move On

I needed to know that I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was nothing, absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. and then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it’s his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy who didn’t ever care. You live and you learn, that’s how it is.

Monday, December 26, 2011

To Madness

Disclaimer: Normally I don’t do posts like this, but just a fair warning, I am about to rant my ass off. Now that that’s clear…

I do NOT understand. AT ALL. It has been one month, 30 days that has completely changed my life forever. I just can’t wrap my head around why I had to lose all that I did all at one time. It’s not right that I was put in the situation in which I was left. Or that a complete stranger took away any innocence I had left along with little good that I used to see in this world. And because of that decision, my whole world has literally been turned upside down. It’s not fair that I lost someone that I was truly starting to fall for, with no explanation at all on his part. The one person that could have changed how that night went broke my heart the very next day. I’ve grown so bitter towards not only him, but also all of the memories of him, of us. And, most of all, it’s not fair that after all of this I realized that he never really cared and somehow I can still miss him. Not necessarily miss being with him but the fact that a month ago we were so happy…and now we’re complete strangers.
I don’t understand how after a month’s time I am still reeling with all of this pain. I don’t really know how to deal with all of it. I get up, go to work, come home, and try my hardest every night to get some sleep…every damn day. And every single one of those days I am unhappy. Sure, I smile and put on a face for the people around me so that they won’t feel bad for me anymore but none of it is real. I’ve just gotten so tired of people looking at me the way they do, like I’m not the same person anymore. Well SURPRISE….I am not the same happy, positive girl anymore. I had a lot of shit happen to me and it changed me.
Every day, this “sadness” takes over another part of me and I feel like there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I can’t trust people anymore and that tears me apart. I’ve had these reoccurring thoughts that I’m not proud of, but they would take all of this pain, all of this worry away, for good.
I want to be able to let people in, but every time I get hurt in some way. Even a stranger, someone that’s obviously not close to me, hurt me in a way I never thought possible. So, why even bother letting people get close to you if you’re just going to get hurt in the end? What’s the point? The question I have been asking myself every day for the past month...what’s the point anymore?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

To Fear

Don't get me wrong, I want so badly to be able to believe that the world is a good place and that everyone ends up happy in the end. But I'm just not sure anymore. It's been 25 days and every single one of those I've felt out of place, like I don't belong to myself anymore. Like my role in my own life has changed. To what? I don't know, I wish I did. I just want to feel like I belong in my own body again. I want to feel like I am the one that is in control of my life in this world, not the other way around. More than anything do I want to feel like myself again.

25 days: I'm still as scared as I was 25 seconds after it happened. And that is NOT who I am, I have never been scared of anything before, ever. But now, I'm terrified nearly all of the time. All the damn time.

Afraid of getting my hopes up. Afraid of trusting people again. I'm scared of getting hurt, of being lied to, and most of all ending up alone. But, unfortunately, that's only part of it. I am deathly afraid of my favorite place in the world, where I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life. I feel like a prisoner in the only place that brought me peace. School is scarred. My workplace, scarred. My secluded hideaway, scarred. All because I can't take two steps without feeling like I'm being followed. All because I see that face in my peripherals constantly.

He's still out there, that's probably the hands down scariest part of all this.

To Be Trapped Here

There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don’t feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to connect to anyone or anything.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

To See Clearly

My whole life, no matter what, I've tried to always see the good in people. The good in this world. But this world, the one that we live in, is an evil and unforgiving place. I'm tired of making excuses as for why things go wrong and somehow putting a positive spin on every bad thing that happens to good people. At least I can see everything, and everyone, for what and who they are now. No more bullshit, I refuse to lie to myself any longer.

Friday, December 16, 2011

To Hurt

It's just, I am so sad all the time. I can't even enjoy a night with my friends. It's like I just can't shake this, this overwhelming hurt.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

To Want Numbness

After everything that's happened and all of the emotions that have been hitting me like waves, I think the break up is finally starting to really sink in. I know I shouldn't, and I know that all of this showed that he really didn't care about me, but that doesn't change how happy I was. The happiest I've ever been. And now it's all been taken away from me.
I'm sad. More than sad. I don't really know how to explain what I'm going through, but it's awful. I just want it to stop, I want it all to stop. The memories, the flashbacks, the it so much to just ask for them all to stop?
I'm tired of one little thing coming up that reminds me of him, of us, and me completely falling apart. I don't feel like myself anymore and I don't like that I have to avoid certain things in my life so that it doesn't hurt as much. But that doesn't really ever work either because I realize that I am avoiding them then I remember the reason why I am avoiding them and I come full circle. I hate who I've become.
I wish I could just forget all of this. I'd give anything to take back ever going to see him at the hospital last night and save myself from this pain.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

To That Point In Time

I just keep telling myself that there will be a significant moment when I finally know what to do.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Too Close To The Edge

It scares me how often I imagine things that I never thought I was capable of doing. I hate being this person.

To Exhaustion That Sleep Can't Fix

At the end of each and every day, I'm so tired. Not tired from work or school or lack of sleep, but rather tired from trying to hold myself together every single second of the day. It takes every ounce of energy I have to keep myself from falling apart at any minute, it just gets to be too much.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

To Admit

Tonight I realized I had a problem. I finally said out loud what's constantly been on my mind lately. And when I heard the pain in my sister's voice as she begged me not to leave her here alone, that's when it hit me. I truly can't feel anything, at all, nothing. I need help because I can't be this unstable person, or sister, any longer

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

To Move

Some of these songs are only things getting me from day to day.

To Supplement

Tonight I stood in the pouring rain, just stood there. I don't know for how long and I don't know why, but it was the first time I've felt something real in weeks. It was like the universe projecting everything I've been feeling: sadness, bitterness, anger, defeat, fear...all of it soaking every inch of me. Everything has changed now, even falling water from the sky somehow feels different, makes me feel different. Nothing's the same, never will be.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

To Feel Numb

For the rest of my life, I will always wonder why things are so unfair. 
I will always want to know what I did to deserve what happened to me. I will 
always wake up thinking everything is okay, later on realizing that it isn't, and that 
it most likely never will be. I will cry about it, I will be bitter, and I will be angry. I will always
 have problems trusting people. I'll never think that anything will last. Happiness, joy, friendships, and relationships...all of them just seem doomed. But I still try to try. For the rest 
of my life, I will try.

Monday, December 5, 2011

To Slowly Slip

Tears just continue to fall. With no sign of stopping. I feel like I'm losing the little fire I have left.

To Call It Quits


Sunday, December 4, 2011

To One Week

One week, two days, one hour, and ten minutes. I feel like nothing has changed, nothing at all. I'm just exhausted from little to no sleep, scared out of my mind to be in the city I love, and I can't bring myself to trust anyone anymore. I don't feel like the same person anymore and it tears me apart when friends and family tell me they miss the cheerful Heather I used to be. I feel so broken, all the damn time.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Thursday, December 1, 2011

To Wake Up Sobbing

I thought sleep would be an escape from this horrible place in which I've found myself. But for the past week, every time I close my eyes I dream that we work everything out and things magically fall back into place. They say you can't feel when you're in a dream...I say, false. Because every time I do, my heart races and I swear I start smiling in my sleep. Everything is so wonderful and I feel like things are beginning to look up for me...then I wake up. I wake up screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out. It's like feeling that initial loss over and over and over again. Sleep used to always be my escape from reality, but now I find myself avoiding it. I feel as if I just can't win. I'm either awake, angry and bitter with my life, or waking up from temporary happiness, sad and heartbroken once again.

To Lose Grip

I feel like I'm slowing losing my mind, and myself.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

To Live And Learn

If there's one thing that I've learned from all this it's that happiness is temporary. Life waits until you are the happiest you've ever felt then it takes everything away from you all at once.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

To Look In The Mirror

Every time I start to miss you...all I have to do is look at my purple face, feel with every throb how much it is swollen, and remember in detail how scared I was that night...and that original hurt of missing you is replaced with anger and bitterness. Even as the bruises fade and I rebuild my strength, I know one thing will never change.

I will never forgive you for allowing this to happen to me.

To Bruise

I felt my world fall down around me, my world just split apart. Guess it’s alright when you’re left with a broken heart, because you grow with good intentions; you learn more about this life. I watched our empire burn to ashes as you left me there that night. Bruised for now, some bruises just don’t fade. I know somehow, some way, things will get better.

Monday, November 28, 2011

To Break

I hate that feeling when you're about to cry and someone asks you if there's anything wrong or to cheer up and you try to smile but you just physically can't do it, and eventually the effort of trying to smile for this one person has the tears spilling over. It makes me feel so defeated by life when I can't find the strength to smile in those moments.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

To That Reoccurring Force

There's something going on with this 4 year gravity pull. No matter how long it's been, it always comes back and it's exactly the same each time.

Friday, November 25, 2011

To Want It Too Much

The feeling of being sick, but you're not really sick. You're just sad, upset, unhappy. You feel like laying in bed all day, like that’ll make it all go away.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

To Constant Joy

He makes me happy, and that is all I want.

Monday, November 21, 2011

To Find That Something

Don't search for love, search for someone that makes you happy. Sooner or later, that happiness will evolve into love.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

To Dull

I guess the amazing moments make even the average moments feel like something is wrong. I hate that feeling. I miss him being here like he used to be.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

To Remember The Dates

Every day since: July 14th when I first met you, July 18th and 21st when I came to visit you in the hospital, to August 13th when you gimped around all night with me, first kissed me, and told me I was your girl. Every day since I've asked myself how on Earth I got to be so lucky.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

To Lose The Teen

This weekend I had the best birthday a girl could as for. Everything was so perfect. Family, friends, boyfriend...all of it. Awesome. A few days ago I was afraid of growing older, scared of entering the second decade of my life, but in all of my (now 20) years I've never had a better birthday. If there is ever a time that I am sad or having a rough day, I will look back on this weekend and remember how happy I was, how happy I am still.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

To The Most Amazing Thing

When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, 
you feel like your whole world is complete.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

To Conflict

Sometimes I'm so happy that it scares me. Like makes me sick to my stomach scares me. Is that even possible? And if so, why? Because I'm afraid to lose that happiness? Afraid that one wrong word, look, or comment could send him running? Fear of loss, that must be where it all stems from. The fear that I don't deserve the happiness that we have, but at the same time it's only happiness that him and I could share. Anything else would be significantly less. And therefore not be worth it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

To Hold On Tight

My biggest fear is losing you. Please don’t ever make me face that fear. You have absolutely no idea how much you mean to me. And more importantly how incredibly happy you make me.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

To Sing Your Song

Got an early birthday present today. Funny how something so simple can mean so much.

(s/n): Haven't been this happy in an awfully long time :) :)

Monday, October 31, 2011

To Know

I had given up. I was never going to find the kind of guy I needed or wanted, then you looked into my eyes and all at once I knew, it was you.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

To The Rush

So Lucas took me on my first ride today, it was awesome, so much fun! It's his passion and I'm so glad that he wanted to share that with me. I had an amazing time, kinda can't get over the feeling of it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

To Us

yeahhh...something like that :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

To Almost

I came way too close to losing the one thing that means so much to me. This time we'll talk more, understand better, and make things work. I couldn't imagine what would happen if you were just one day ripped out of my life, and I hope I don't have to figure that out anytime soon.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

To Rough Patches

Bad stuff does happen sometimes. always remember that, but remember that you have to move on, somehow. you just pick up your head and stare at something beautiful like the sky, or the ocean, and you’ll move the hell on.

Monday, October 17, 2011

To Many Firsts

Hands down, I've never been so happy. So many things are new and different. I can't help but smile all the time...literally all of the time. I just don't know what to say to describe exactly how I am feeling, but I can 100% say that I hope I feel like this for a long time.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

To These Reoccurring Feelings

Once you realize your past is just a story, it has no power over you.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

To Laugh More Than I Breathe

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

Friday, September 30, 2011

To Recognize Something Special

I've liked you since day one. And now I don't know what I'd do without you.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

To Grow And Move On

I’ve learned a lot these past few years, through my fake smiles and unseen tears, friends sometimes are not forever and true love doesn’t always last. The good memories stay with you but the good memories go by fast. But someone will always be there, someone that honestly does care.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

To Be Unbelievably Happy

I just want that late night movie, make pancakes together, cuddle up on the couch, kind of relationship.

...oh wait :) :) :)

Thursday, September 15, 2011

To The Unexpected Beauty

The greatest relationships are the ones you never expected to be in. The ones that swept you off your feet, and challenged every view you’ve ever had.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

To Decide What's Important

I finally realized that cutting people from my life does not mean I hate them, it simply means, I respect me.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

To Us

Our hands are held together. We're in this for the long road ahead. It's you and me and no one else.

Monday, September 5, 2011

To Look Forward

There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.