Friday, April 27, 2012

To Look Back

Today was rough. I don't know how to explain it and it's not like something in particular happened...I've just been sad, but more than just sad, all day long. It got me thinking how much I miss the girl I used to be. I saw a picture of me and my family a few years ago and I could tell that I used to be genuinely happy. I miss that. I wish I could get back to that person I used to be but I feel like I'm so far away from that girl that I don't know if I could ever go back. And I think that's what upsets me most.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

To Let It Out

Mostly just posting because I think this is the only thing no one else reads anymore, and if you are reading this...I'm sorry. It's been 5 months. 5. During that time I thought things were getting better, that I was getting better. But I think it is now clear that I was very very wrong. I think I wanted to believe that I was, but never there. It's like everything has just been masked over, covered up hoping that it would all just go away, but of course it didn't. But I think that I'm beginning to learn something from all of this. That I don't trust people, I don't WANT to trust people. Trusting means that you give up any protection you have and leave yourself open to get hurt. Which I refuse to do anymore. People keep telling me that I need a guy in my life that can make me smile. I say, why? I don't want to get close enough to someone that they become everything to me because people always leave and simple math shows: me - everything = nothing. Who would ever want to do that to themselves? It's like setting yourself up for failure, for hurt. What's the point? I just want to sleep, that's it. I hate every morning when I wake up, absolutely hate it. Mainly because when I wake up, I remember my dreams and how reality fails in comparison. Every night I go to bed hoping that I'll just sleep through tomorrow...5, 6, 7 tomorrows. That's all I want right now.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

To Want to Move On

I needed to know that I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was nothing, absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. and then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it’s his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy who didn’t ever care. You live and you learn, that’s how it is.

Monday, December 26, 2011

To Madness

Disclaimer: Normally I don’t do posts like this, but just a fair warning, I am about to rant my ass off. Now that that’s clear…

I do NOT understand. AT ALL. It has been one month, 30 days that has completely changed my life forever. I just can’t wrap my head around why I had to lose all that I did all at one time. It’s not right that I was put in the situation in which I was left. Or that a complete stranger took away any innocence I had left along with little good that I used to see in this world. And because of that decision, my whole world has literally been turned upside down. It’s not fair that I lost someone that I was truly starting to fall for, with no explanation at all on his part. The one person that could have changed how that night went broke my heart the very next day. I’ve grown so bitter towards not only him, but also all of the memories of him, of us. And, most of all, it’s not fair that after all of this I realized that he never really cared and somehow I can still miss him. Not necessarily miss being with him but the fact that a month ago we were so happy…and now we’re complete strangers.
I don’t understand how after a month’s time I am still reeling with all of this pain. I don’t really know how to deal with all of it. I get up, go to work, come home, and try my hardest every night to get some sleep…every damn day. And every single one of those days I am unhappy. Sure, I smile and put on a face for the people around me so that they won’t feel bad for me anymore but none of it is real. I’ve just gotten so tired of people looking at me the way they do, like I’m not the same person anymore. Well SURPRISE….I am not the same happy, positive girl anymore. I had a lot of shit happen to me and it changed me.
Every day, this “sadness” takes over another part of me and I feel like there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I can’t trust people anymore and that tears me apart. I’ve had these reoccurring thoughts that I’m not proud of, but they would take all of this pain, all of this worry away, for good.
I want to be able to let people in, but every time I get hurt in some way. Even a stranger, someone that’s obviously not close to me, hurt me in a way I never thought possible. So, why even bother letting people get close to you if you’re just going to get hurt in the end? What’s the point? The question I have been asking myself every day for the past month...what’s the point anymore?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

To Fear

Don't get me wrong, I want so badly to be able to believe that the world is a good place and that everyone ends up happy in the end. But I'm just not sure anymore. It's been 25 days and every single one of those I've felt out of place, like I don't belong to myself anymore. Like my role in my own life has changed. To what? I don't know, I wish I did. I just want to feel like I belong in my own body again. I want to feel like I am the one that is in control of my life in this world, not the other way around. More than anything do I want to feel like myself again.

25 days: I'm still as scared as I was 25 seconds after it happened. And that is NOT who I am, I have never been scared of anything before, ever. But now, I'm terrified nearly all of the time. All the damn time.

Afraid of getting my hopes up. Afraid of trusting people again. I'm scared of getting hurt, of being lied to, and most of all ending up alone. But, unfortunately, that's only part of it. I am deathly afraid of my favorite place in the world, where I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life. I feel like a prisoner in the only place that brought me peace. School is scarred. My workplace, scarred. My secluded hideaway, scarred. All because I can't take two steps without feeling like I'm being followed. All because I see that face in my peripherals constantly.

He's still out there, that's probably the hands down scariest part of all this.

To Be Trapped Here

There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don’t feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to connect to anyone or anything.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

To See Clearly

My whole life, no matter what, I've tried to always see the good in people. The good in this world. But this world, the one that we live in, is an evil and unforgiving place. I'm tired of making excuses as for why things go wrong and somehow putting a positive spin on every bad thing that happens to good people. At least I can see everything, and everyone, for what and who they are now. No more bullshit, I refuse to lie to myself any longer.