Monday, December 26, 2011

To Madness

Disclaimer: Normally I don’t do posts like this, but just a fair warning, I am about to rant my ass off. Now that that’s clear…

I do NOT understand. AT ALL. It has been one month, 30 days that has completely changed my life forever. I just can’t wrap my head around why I had to lose all that I did all at one time. It’s not right that I was put in the situation in which I was left. Or that a complete stranger took away any innocence I had left along with little good that I used to see in this world. And because of that decision, my whole world has literally been turned upside down. It’s not fair that I lost someone that I was truly starting to fall for, with no explanation at all on his part. The one person that could have changed how that night went broke my heart the very next day. I’ve grown so bitter towards not only him, but also all of the memories of him, of us. And, most of all, it’s not fair that after all of this I realized that he never really cared and somehow I can still miss him. Not necessarily miss being with him but the fact that a month ago we were so happy…and now we’re complete strangers.
I don’t understand how after a month’s time I am still reeling with all of this pain. I don’t really know how to deal with all of it. I get up, go to work, come home, and try my hardest every night to get some sleep…every damn day. And every single one of those days I am unhappy. Sure, I smile and put on a face for the people around me so that they won’t feel bad for me anymore but none of it is real. I’ve just gotten so tired of people looking at me the way they do, like I’m not the same person anymore. Well SURPRISE….I am not the same happy, positive girl anymore. I had a lot of shit happen to me and it changed me.
Every day, this “sadness” takes over another part of me and I feel like there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I feel like I’ve tried everything. I can’t trust people anymore and that tears me apart. I’ve had these reoccurring thoughts that I’m not proud of, but they would take all of this pain, all of this worry away, for good.
I want to be able to let people in, but every time I get hurt in some way. Even a stranger, someone that’s obviously not close to me, hurt me in a way I never thought possible. So, why even bother letting people get close to you if you’re just going to get hurt in the end? What’s the point? The question I have been asking myself every day for the past month...what’s the point anymore?

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