Tuesday, December 20, 2011

To Fear

Don't get me wrong, I want so badly to be able to believe that the world is a good place and that everyone ends up happy in the end. But I'm just not sure anymore. It's been 25 days and every single one of those I've felt out of place, like I don't belong to myself anymore. Like my role in my own life has changed. To what? I don't know, I wish I did. I just want to feel like I belong in my own body again. I want to feel like I am the one that is in control of my life in this world, not the other way around. More than anything do I want to feel like myself again.

25 days: I'm still as scared as I was 25 seconds after it happened. And that is NOT who I am, I have never been scared of anything before, ever. But now, I'm terrified nearly all of the time. All the damn time.

Afraid of getting my hopes up. Afraid of trusting people again. I'm scared of getting hurt, of being lied to, and most of all ending up alone. But, unfortunately, that's only part of it. I am deathly afraid of my favorite place in the world, where I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life. I feel like a prisoner in the only place that brought me peace. School is scarred. My workplace, scarred. My secluded hideaway, scarred. All because I can't take two steps without feeling like I'm being followed. All because I see that face in my peripherals constantly.

He's still out there, that's probably the hands down scariest part of all this.

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